I have this one problem of having difficulties to trust people. I cant even trust my own twin sometimes. If I cant trust someone, how can I even love someone truly. Cause they said if you love someone, all you need is trust. And for once in my life, I love someone. I fell in love. I fell hard. I kept talking bout how i fell in love in a bunch of guys but no. Its different. The feelings are different. I've never loved anyone else before so I dont know how it truly felt like. Until I met Sabastian.
He is the definition of love to me. The love of my life. Some people may say its bullshit cause we havent known each other for a long time. I used to think I suck in life. In every way possible. I suck in love the most. I've never truly been loved or loved anyone. When I met Sabastian, I thought I've found the one. We went through some hard stuff together but yeah, we're standing. I love him so much that I dont think I could love anyone else except for him. How can I stop loving him? How can I find anyone else except for him? I can never love anyone else like I love him.
Hes the first person that I can see my future with. I was planning a life for him when he comes back to Malaysia. I was planning to make a life for us when he comes back. Its funny how I already thought of it. I kind of already thought of living together with him. It was a nice dream. A nice planning. Will it be funny if I tell you that I was planning to marry him too? That I want to make him a better man? That I want him to be someone I can tell to my mom that I want to marry? That I want to spend the rest of my life with him?
But alas, everything is a dream. Life is a bitch. Nothing goes my way. Nothing goes right. Never. The moment I have faith in love, life fucks me over. Sabastian went back to England for his passport. We all though its gonna be few months. But no. He have to stay in England for a period of time. And he decided to go to the army. And I cant stop crying for it. He have to be there for 5 years. 5 years is a long time. But Im willing to wait for him.
If its worth it. I want to wait. But he cant. It hurts him to be with me when hes away in the army. It hurts him not to talk to me. Its not a relationship for him. But I want to wait. And I will wait. Even if its 5 years later. I want to. I will never stop loving him. Even if he found someone else. Even if hes never coming back. Even if he marry another girl. I will never be able to stop him. I love you sayang, and I will forever will love you no matter what. I cant stop crying while writing this post. This is the heartbreak that my older sister told me. She once told me not to fall hard. Or else I will have to bear the consequences of heart breaks.
I told her that I can do this. That I can see a future with him. And I wont be having any heartbreak anytime soon. Shes the same as me. We suck in relationship. But yeah, she was right. the moment he told me hes going into the army, I knew he's going to break up with me. But I just dont want to believe it. I dont want this reality. I want this to be just a dream. Until he said it himself. That he cant do long distance after his previous relationship.
It hurts me so much. I was skyping with him but I cant stop crying. I cant. Cuz it hurts so much that hes going to leave no matter if he wants to or not. The fact still stand that hes leaving me. I will wait for him. Find me, Call me back when you're done with the army. When you can come back, If you still love me, come back to me. I promise you that I will wait for you. I dont do empty promises. When I say that i will always love you forever. I meant it. You are my everything. This may seem childish and nonsense to some of you. Even you Sabastian. But I know how I am. I just know. I love you with all my heart. It is your forever.
