When You Truly Love Someone.

I have this one problem of having difficulties to trust people. I cant even trust my own twin sometimes. If I cant trust someone, how can I even love someone truly. Cause they said if you love someone, all you need is trust. And for once in my life, I love someone. I fell in love. I fell hard. I kept talking bout how i fell in love in a bunch of guys but no. Its different. The feelings are different. I've never loved anyone else before so I dont know how it truly felt like. Until I met Sabastian. 

He is the definition of love to me. The love of my life. Some people may say its bullshit cause we havent known each other for a long time. I used to think I suck in life. In every way possible. I suck in love the most. I've never truly been loved or loved anyone. When I met Sabastian, I thought I've found the one. We went through some hard stuff together but yeah, we're standing. I love him so much that I dont think I could love anyone else except for him. How can I stop loving him? How can I find anyone else except for him? I can never love anyone else like I love him.

Hes the first person that I can see my future with. I was planning a life for him when he comes back to Malaysia. I was planning to make a life for us when he comes back. Its funny how I already thought of it. I kind of already thought of living together with him. It was a nice dream. A nice planning. Will it be funny if I tell you that I was planning to marry him too? That I want to make him a better man? That I want him to be someone I can tell to my mom that I want to marry? That I want to spend the rest of my life with him?

But alas, everything is a dream. Life is a bitch. Nothing goes my way. Nothing goes right. Never. The moment I have faith in love, life fucks me over. Sabastian went back to England for his passport. We all though its gonna be few months. But no. He have to stay in England for a period of time. And he decided to go to the army. And I cant stop crying for it. He have to be there for 5 years. 5 years is a long time. But Im willing to wait for him.

If its worth it. I want to wait. But he cant. It hurts him to be with me when hes away in the army. It hurts him not to talk to me. Its not a relationship for him. But I want to wait. And I will wait. Even if its 5 years later. I want to. I will never stop loving him. Even if he found someone else. Even if hes never coming back. Even if he marry another girl. I will never be able to stop him. I love you sayang, and I will forever will love you no matter what. I cant stop crying while writing this post. This is the heartbreak that my older sister told me. She once told me not to fall hard. Or else I will have to bear the consequences of heart breaks. 

I told her that I can do this. That I can see a future with him. And I wont be having any heartbreak anytime soon. Shes the same as me. We suck in relationship. But yeah, she was right. the moment he told me hes going into the army, I knew he's going to break up with me. But I just dont want to believe it. I dont want this reality. I want this to be just a dream. Until he said it himself. That he cant do long distance after his previous relationship.

It hurts me so much. I was skyping with him but I cant stop crying. I cant. Cuz it hurts so much that hes going to leave no matter if he wants to or not. The fact still stand that hes leaving me. I will wait for him. Find me, Call me back when you're done with the army. When you can come back, If you still love me, come back to me. I promise you that I will wait for you. I dont do empty promises. When I say that i will always love you forever. I meant it. You are my everything. This may seem childish and nonsense to some of you. Even you Sabastian. But I know how I am. I just know. I love you with all my heart. It is your forever. 

 

When You Fall, You Fall Completely

Its been long since I last wrote anything. I remembered the purpose of this blog, it was my diary. This was my escape from reality. Something to talk to about my problems, my life, events, my fear and my happiness. Thats the good part, but the bad part was, I became anti-social and have difficulities to talk about my problems to people including my sisters. So they know my life events from my blog. And thats bad. But I've started to talk to them more and kind of abandoned this blog.

Starting to write again cause someone asked me to write about that person here. Hehe. Yeah. Imagine when you decided to give up on your love life, someone just magically appeared in front of you, it made me scared. Is this real? Is this the reality? Or just some joke or imagination? It took me awhile to actually understand these feelings I'm having. I remembered when I forced myself to love someone. When I said Im in love, its all a lie. Its more like a caring feeling and just fancy. Not love. I have never fallen in love completely with anyone until recently.

Its not the perfect love story you may think it is. Its hard, but its worth fighting for. And for once in my life, someone showed me what love is. Someone showed me how wonderful it is to just fall completely for someone. And yes, I do believe that I've complete fallen in love with that special someone. Our reunion wasnt as nice as it would seem to people.

I dont really want to talk about our situation before. But its all good now and we are together now. And I want this. For me, this is worth fighting for. For once in my life, I felt true love. Some may say I'm being sappy and ridiculous, but thats just how I felt. And I dont care about what people say about us or anything. It is my life and I control it, not you. No, you're not invited into our relationship. So please, let us be.

Starting Blogging Again

Its been awhile since I post anything here. It was abandoned for half a year I think. And I fucking miss this. I miss how often I always write. This is what my life have been. I don't know how to communicate with other people and I think its pathetic of me to tell my life problems with other people. This is where no one can judge or say anything. I may not get any response but at least some of the burden was lifted whenever I wrote any post here regarding my life. I didn't have time before this. I was busy with assignments and such.

Its sad ya know, my life that is. Sometimes when good things happens, I manage to destroy it. No matter what they say, they always end up leaving me. It hurts. I guess that my fault then, since nobody really stayed. I'm getting use to it. And I kind of expected it. When people say they'll be with me for a long time...I just huffed and just watch how long will they truly be with me.

Words are powerful. They can convince you, tell you stuff you want to hear and also hurt you at the same time. That is why I hate conversation. I prefer to sit here and write anything I want. Cause its mine and mine alone. Theres no judgeful person, theres no critics or even intervention. Just me writing what ever hell I want. And it feels so damn good.

Its been awhile and I've been crazy for awhile. I hate how I am right now. I'm being too fake. Too wanting to fit in. I don't like it but I can't help but to feel lonely sometimes and that made me feel like shit. When I've finally have a friend that I trust, they decided to be far away from me. Yatt is in Australia now while Fateen is here but not here. Ya know what I mean? She's in KL while I'm in JB. Yeah, we could meet up and such but our situations just doesn't allow us too. Hmm.

I wonder, till how long am I gonna be like this. When will I be able to change this life I'm living. When will my life gets better. I'll end up being a very dark person if this continues. I'm already a dark persona now. They'll increase I'm sure. Hahaha. 

Theres No Such Things As Love

Huh, I've lost the meaning of love, infact, I don't even know what love is except for family love. Theres no such thing as love. No. They are only pain. Once you broke my heart, I can never trust you. I don't and I won't. In my life, none ever showed me what love is. All they gave was affection and attention and that is not love. That is just that. Love is supposed to be when you see your future with that person. You see that you live with that person till you're old but still love each other.

I like to watch old couples and wonder will I ever achieve that? I wrote so many post about boys saying how happy I was, But it was just a dream. An excape of reality. And it hurts. Trying to love someone, to let someone into your life is hard, love is hope, happiness, your life. But it comes in a package with hate, anger, betrayal, broken heart.

I wonder until when will I be like this. I don't want to be in a relationship anymore. I don't want anymore pain. I don't want to cry anymore. I just can't take it sometimes. It hurts so much. Its not good for your health at all. Its rather hard to move on when you've let that person into your life too much. It hurts. 

Until today, I still do believe that there is no love for me. No. There is not. I wonder, will I get married? Will anyone accept me for who I am? Will anyone love me?

Miyavi New MV : Real?

To those who read my entrys before, you guys probably by now know that I'm Miyavi's biggest fan. Omg. His MV is just so awesome to me. The song is catchy. At first you can't really understand his words. But after looking at the lyrics, its pretty awesome yeah. Good message. Hhahaha. you guys should watch his MV! Like seriously!

3, 2, 1, We’re counting down let’s turn it up the future is here

You see those colorful connections for the colorless with no ideas

I hear the GOCHA GOCHA… what the hell the noise is buzzing in my head

Messed up with EMOJI sayin’ Eh-oh-oh, eh-oh

Ring ting zing now your virtual life is callin’ you

Those selfy’s don’t show us who you really are

Got likes likes likes… yeah but how many people lovin’ you?

All the noise sounds MUNASHI I DAKE

Is this real?

Groove on this the moment is now what you feel is real

The clones are out tonight and they are seriously dressed to kill

Hey look the robot’s gonna buy you drinks while testing out his sex appeal

You’ve got your strength in your hands everything is up to you

And now It’s time to hook it up on the floor

Clap clap clap see that even the plastic hearts are pumpin’

Now KOKORO GA ODORI DASU

This is real

Groove on this the moment is now what you feel is real

Let the music take you higher

Move on til’ you’re filled

Scream out to the future louder

Free to say what’s real

Let the music take you higher

Move on til’ you’re filled

Scream out to the future louder

Free to say what’s real

Let the music take you higher

Move on til’ you’re filled

Scream out to the future louder

Free to say what’s real

Let the music take you higher

Move on til’ you’re filled

Scream out to the future louder

Free to say what’s real

Credit: http://mellnoct.blogspot.com/2014/09/miyavi-real.html#ixzz3F69LNkND

Hypocrites, they're everywhere

Wow. Just WOW. You know sometimes that you realise how people's attitude changed drastically the momment you show your true colours. Like I want to be myself. Why conceal? Why be the person everybody want you to be. Let me tell you this. No matter how old you are, if you live in that kind of community, your mindset will never change and you will fall someday. You will not have friends. Oh, you think you can make friends for life if you talk bad about the same person? I mean really? Dude, straighten up your life first before you judge other. Look at yourself in the mirror before you look at other's flaws. Know your place!

I dont bother your life, so don't bother mine. Its my choice on how I live my life. Yes, I'm a selfish person and if I want sometime, I will work for it! I won't just randomly ask. I FUCKING WORK FOR IT! Even if it meant destroying others. Or someone like you. What, you think if you told me one of the biggest secret you've known, you can get me to trust you? FUCK NO. Bitch, I've seen how you work man. I've seen how you treated your friends. Your words are full of lies and bullshit. Please, stand you ground and know that you are no better than pigs. 

You are no higher than the others. Some people just get intimidated by the people who shows others who they really are huh? Is that jelousy I hear? Lol. You're a joke, you know that? A FUCKING JOKE. In the first place I didnt even talking bout you. But you thought it was meant for you, BRAVO MOTHERFUCKER! Just bravo. Your life is full of lies. Lets see how far you can go. 

I mean, why cant I be myself? Is it wrong? Did I harm anybody? Did I kill somebody just by being myself. Dont listen to me if you dont want to. Dont be a pussy. Tell me if you dont like me. Stop me from talking if you dont wanna hear it. Dont be a hypocrite and just smiles while staring at me. If you cross the line. The game is on. 

Day 10: One person you can trust.

The one person that trully understands me and knows how I think is my best friend, Fateen. Truthfully, I dont really trust my own twin sister. Ya know why? Cuz she doesnt listen, she judge. That instant she just judge. So its hard to talk to her.

Hmmmm. Yeah. So I trust Fateen the most and I can tell her anything I want without her judging me. She listens till I finish and advice me afterward. Unlike my twin. She judge me alll the wayyyy. And it hurts.